I miss journaling. I need to reassess how I want to do it and whatnot, but it may be I will become more active again.

Regardless, there has been some fun news.

I passed my qualifying exam back in March. Yuki and I travelled to Germany and Austria in June/July for work (and a bit of fun). Our Yellowstone/Grand Canyon road trip extravaganza was fantastic and wonderful and phenomenal beyond belief. (Geysers! So many geysers!)

Plus, dude. I'm engaged. Engaged!

The downside to this is wedding planning. Plus the rest of that life thing that keeps interfering. But engaged!

So yes. There's an update. I will go off and attempt to be interesting again.

10:09 Awake is totally overrated, especially since I kept doing it while I was supposed to be sleeping. #

11:39 @havenward I have what promises to be a boring class this afternoon too. Not good. May use it to plot. #

12:52 I suspect all the professors I need to talk to right now are at lunch. *throws hissy fit* #

14:36 Doomsday is set: March 11th at 3:30pm. I hope scheduling is the hardest part of quals. #

15:18 Weird to be back in class after a quarter off. Hoping it won't be a bad one. #

15:32 Thinking I should do some short stories for worldbuilding and character creation practice. #

15:35 I forget how stupid the questions can be on the first day of class. #

15:56 Review of the production and properties of X-rays. Plus safety information. Fun times. Have so much work to do too. Boo data analysis. #

16:20 El cheesy safety video circa the 1970s. But hey, I toured this company three years ago. #

16:25 Ooo, description on the effect of radiation poisoning on the human body! #

16:37 @havenward You know you're jealous. #

16:42 @havenward Hahahaha. That's why you have me, right? To provide all the crap you didn't really want to know. #

16:45 I lose 1600 days of life for being an unmarried female. Unmarried guys lose 3500. Must work on Yuki. #

16:45 There are some seriously awesome statistics in this presentation. #

17:31 So tempted to get some new music. I know it's bad, but I miss the hub. Amazon Prime trial ends soon too. #

18:11 @havenward Yeah, the problem is it costs money. Still assessing the damage from Christmas and working on the savings. #

19:27 @havenward Could be, but probably not any of the stuff I want. New Enya, new Loreena, etc. #

20:36 There are times when even my iTouch isn't enough and I covet the iPhone. Stupid locking it in with AT&T. Also, stupid money. #

23:21 Stomach sucks. WTB new digestive system. Preferably one that works well. #

01:47 PS3 got here safe and is now set up. Really looking forward to watching my Blue Planet Blu-Ray set from his folks. Maybe Friday night. #

01:50 Had some really wonderful talks with Yuki tonight. So very lucky. :) Will probably not get enough sleep, though. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. I use Twitter for random thoughts and to do items during the day. This is the consolidation of the day's tweets.

15:30 I really hate coming back from vacation. Especially with all the crap on the to do list. Not feeling lightheaded would be good. #

16:20 At least was prepared enough to meet with Jonathan on short notice and sound put together. #

16:21 @havenward Would much rather plot fun things than read about NMR. #

16:31 @havenward Get a squeaky hammer for the muse. I hear they work wonders. #

16:55 Remembered to make the important doctors' appointments. Go me. #

17:47 Only one in the office now. Wonder what we'll do for dinner tonight. #

00:57 Occasionally raiding is frustrating as hell. Would like to stop losing rolls. Have to run tomorrow too. Ick. :/ #

01:12 For the record, grad school is highly overrated. And lonely. At least I have my Yuki. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. I use Twitter for random thoughts and to do items during the day. This is the consolidation of the day's tweets.

Part of this is the new year, and part of this is just re-evaluating where I stand on things right now. Mostly journal-wise, of course. :)

The way I've used the journal has definitely morphed over the years. I'm pretty aware of the fact that folks read here now (or at least, they used to) and it sometimes limits what I'm willing to say, which somewhat defeats the purpose of the journal for me. Or at least, the part of the journal that I currently really need, as grad school is stressing me out and I need somewhere to balance my center. Which means changing how I approach journalling.

I love LJ. It's been a part of my life since I was going through some rocky spots my sophomore year of high school and I'm on my second year of grad school at this point. I'm not leaving here, so don't get any ideas along those lines, and I'll still be updating (sporadically, but I don't think anyone will really be able to tell the difference). I still fully intend to continue reading and occasionally comment, as per my whims and time allowances. But I'm going to stop trying to force myself back into posting like I did when I was younger. It's not going to be a diary of daily life for me or anything along those lines anymore; if I try for that again, it'll be somewhere more private. I will try to keep folks posted on the major events in life, for sure, and there will be plenty of other things (ramblings about the Internet and other thinkings that strike my fancy). Maybe someday I'll find the right balance to bring some of what I used to have here back, I'm not sure.

But for now, I'm going to take a bit of a hiatus from writing for the LJ. I'll post when the whim strikes about what I fancy, but I'm going to stop forcing myself to update and no longer focus on what's going on in my life but instead write about whatever. Not sure you guys will really notice any change, because it's not like I've been the most successful in posting anyway (for all three of you who still read - I love you guys!), but it'll take some of the stress off of me that I really don't need right now and let me focus on some of the things that I really need to.

Much love, and you know I'll be back again. Maybe I'll even have something insightful to say next time.

My AGU poster looks snazzy. Just a few more things to do and then it's done, pending advisor approval. The first draft of my thesis proposal has been well received and while there's certainly work to do I don't feel like a total hack who has to rewrite a pile of crap.

There were warm and fuzzy feelings to celebrate the anniversary of our first date and a Thanksgiving together; Christmas is coming up far too fast for my liking. I look forward to being home; I don't look forward to the mess that's quals and Christmas means I'm closer to that.

I get to hear Chanticleer in concert tonight. I am excited about this.

There is a giant pile of thoughts in my head, but I don't think this is the right venue for them. Or at least not this disjointed entry.

I believed, for a very long time, that the only feelings politics could inspire in me were anger (why hello, Palin) and cynicism. I believed that not caring was my best defense towards being outraged by the system. Eight years of Bush will do that to anyone, I think. It's a survival mechanism. I can't survive in a permanent state of outrage because there's enough other crap that I have to do.

Today, though...today I have hope. And I believe. And I might still get outraged by the end of it (please let Prop 8 go down in flames) but I have a chance to hope for a change. I believe in a change. And hopefully tonight over dinner, I will watch there be a change in American politics that can move away from the divisive politics of the Bush era and towards a nation that works together.

I voted. I believe.

The pumpkins are outside with candles glowing and lights have been turned on to show that I'm home, but there are still no trick-or-treaters. I am surprisingly bummed by this; Yuki lives in a reasonably dense neighborhood - the kind for me that would have indicated plenty of candy for a minimal amount of work. Maybe because most of CA is densely developed this isn't as big of a deal, but I would have thought someone would have come by since I got home at 4. Or that I'd at least see anyone out at all while driving home, but that was another total miss.

It is Halloween today, right? I didn't fall into some mystical time warp like last week?

His parents were out here visiting from Tuesday to Tuesday this past week. It was good to see them, although at times stressful and very tiring. We drove up to Lake Tahoe and spent the weekend there. I managed to walk out of the casino with $31 more than I went in with, which puts me up for the lifetime to $29. The bar on the top floor had a wonderful martini that was totally worth the $14 it cost me - tasted just like fresh pears with alcohol. Since I adore pear, it isn't hard to see why I loved this. I could definitely see enjoying the scenery up there when it's snowing; it has the ski town feel to it, and I drooled over a pair of snowboots in the North Face outlet up there that aren't worth $100 when you live in a town that sees no snow ever. I miss the cold and the snow and everything that goes along with it - the Bay Area is nice but not for a lifetime, I think. I'll go mad missing the seasons like this forever.

NaNo starts tomorrow and I am intensely jealous of those with time to do it. Hopefully next year I'll be in a place where it's possible; between quals and the release of Wrath in about two weeks, there's very little free time left for me to do anything resembling novel writing. I'm hard-pressed to balance e-mails and journal writing with the mountain of work for quals. The stress (or at least, I'm hoping it's just the stress) has had me in a bit of a funk lately. It looks like the hopeful date for quals will be March 11th, which means I at least have a date to work towards, but I still want to have a first draft of the quals proposal done by the end of November, along with the poster draft for the conference I'm presenting it at in December, and I'm somehow expected to continue to produce output in the lab.

Looking at it that way it's a little more understandable why I haven't been sleeping well lately. And why my shoulders seem to have permanent knots installed. One of my labmates had her defense today; I didn't stick around to wait for the private grilling to be over but I'm sure she did fine. I'm quite jealous, but I know I'll get there eventually. I just have to pass quals first.

Yes, my life really is this boring right now. Hopefully I'll get out of the funk soon.

[Feel free to skip this if a fervent defense of gay marriage is something offensive to you. I'd rather not offend any friends as I am glad to agree to disagree and not talk about it, but debate isn't really something I'm open to on this issue.]

You know, there are several things in life I never thought I'd do. Donating to a political campaign is one.

I feel really, really strongly that everyone has the right to pursue happiness with the person they choose. That everyone has the right to celebrate their long term relationships and, if they so choose, receive the government recognition and benefits associated with making that formal commitment. I don't believe a 'domestic partnership' meets that definition - if it did, why have the institution of marriage on a civil level at all. We're long past the days of separate but equal. It wasn't deemed acceptable then; it shouldn't be deemed acceptable now.

But it's been okay to be against gay marriage because it's still okay to be against gay people. Oh, you can dress it up in fancy words. You can disguise it beneath layers of religious reasoning. But it's still discrimination. And private organizations have that right - I don't advocate forcing churches to perform marriages that go against their beliefs, whether it's a gay couple or a couple that refused to undergo pre-marital counseling, if that's what the church believes is required. But your personal morality has no place in the determination of civil rights. That's what this is about. This is a civil definition. Not a religious one. And your religious beliefs have no place here, just like civil definitions have no place in your religious beliefs.

And so today, No on Prop 8 received $10. It's not a lot; I wish I had more to give, but things are tight with the recent (necessary) purchases. I would donate time at the phone bank except that a) I hate phones and b) this issue makes me so angry that I wouldn't be very effective. I am sadly not nearly as optimistic about this as I am on some other movement in the political spectrum - the polls have not been good. But I support it. And I will vote against Prop 8. And I will sign the petition to get it on the ballot again next year, if need be, because there are some rights that everyone deserves to have.

I should not be considering myself lucky for having been born this way, for falling in love with someone of the opposite gender so that I can recognize our relationship the way I want to. I should be considered lucky for finding someone to love like this, period. Gender shouldn't matter. I look forward to that day where that's a true statement.

[Disabling comments because like I said, I feel very strongly about this issue. Consider this more of a 'venting' entry and if you disagree, that's fine. Well, not quite, but I am willing to agree to disagree with friends. Or at least not talk about things.]

The living room is clean. I still have to move some things out of the guest room and into the master bedroom, but the sheets and comforters are in the wash and will be complete soon. The house has been swept, we've rediscovered the kitchen table, I cleaned the kitchen counters, and if the master bedroom could be a little neater (not to mention if I could find my desk), well, that doesn't matter quite as much. The important parts are getting done, with the one exception of needing to finish up the bathrooms tomorrow, in addition to picking up a gallan of distilled water.

We even managed to find time to go in for the town's Oktoberfest celebration today, which was enjoyable. I have new candles; new smells are always something that makes me happy.

There's still a bunch of things on the to do list for the evening, but most of them don't relate to getting the house ready for Yuki's folks to arrive. I should mix up something for dinner at some point, and then run the dishwasher. The cat is being quiet and well behaved for the moment, and I've been sitting on the sofa delighting in the fact that I have a laptop where I can move around and not cause issues with overheating.

There's still a lot of thinking going on, on a huge number of topics, but I'm pleased with the progress I've made on getting things in the house taken care of, at least. Once I'm back to maintenance mode, as opposed to frantically trying to finish the move-in and getting everything settled before his folks were in town, I'll be able to relax more at home and think about some of the things I want to pursue in my head. I really wish I had time this year to do NaNoWriMo, but there's really no way I can justify the time with quals going on. Possibly next year, but it will happen at some point. I have some goals for next weekend, while we're out of town at Tahoe, that will help get me back on track as far as my overall momentum (I hope) while letting me recharge as much as possible too.

So all in all? Life feels slightly less overwhelming (at least parts of the house are clean) and I have new laundry to do. I'm all domestic now - I got excited about getting glass storage containers for leftover on sale yesterday.

As far as life goes, this week has been remarkably productive. Despite the WoW patch, even. The only downside has been the roller coaster of emotions that life has been attached to - grad school really is brutal sometimes, and that's only the tip of everything that's been going on. I wish I liked the person I saw in the mirror a lot more than I do some days.

Work continues on my thesis proposal outline. I had another extensive meeting today with Jonathan about it (the third or fourth since I've started working on it - 2+ hours) and things are finally at the point where I'm going to start writing. The goal is to have one of the sections done by Halloween (what should be the easiest one to write in theory) and get some feedback on it before I plow into it as a whole, with an eventual first draft done by the end of November. I also finally sent e-mail to my committee members today, asking what days they were unavailable in a block of time in February/March. Small steps towards getting things ready.

Jonathan mentioned today that the whole process is about discovering what you don't know. I feel like I'm all too aware of what I don't know and am desperately trying to play catch up to some reasonable level where I have a small chance of passing. I think he's a lot more optimistic about my chances right now than I am. I suppose that should be a good sign, but I don't like being in the position of feeling utterly unprepared. It's scary and bad and stressful. Too much stress.

Yuki's parents are in town as of next Tuesday. I am both looking forward to this, as I really like his folks and enjoy spending time with them (it doesn't hurt that they like me too) and dreading it because the house is still not ready for company and oh-god-must-clean. I straightened things up in the living room last night and that's helping some, but there's still the kitchen to tackle on top of the standard cleaning that I just need to do for everything plus grocery shopping and I'd really like to cook dinner for them one night but have no idea what to make or anything. We're going to go to Tahoe while they're in town though, and that will be fun.

I know what at least part of the dedication of my thesis will say, assuming I a) make it to that point and b) am still involved with Yuki at that point. I hope so. I pray so. I made the arrangements yesterday to mark a year from our first date - something that still gives me butterflies in my stomach to remember it and a high I can't ever seem to come down from. Watching the sunset, holding his hand, knowing it was something magical. November 25th will mark one year (October 24th marks one year from meeting in person for the first time) and I'm hoping he'll enjoy the plans that I've made.

The new patch in WoW has been one of the few other things keeping me sane. I've really been enjoying the achievements system and chatting with guildies in Vent and laughing about stupid shit as the clock inches closer to 1am. Yuki and I have also been running three nights a week for the past three weeks (tonight marks 9 runs!) as I attempt to get into better shape. I don't really feel like I'm making tons of progress, which can be disenheartening, but at least I have a buddy to do it with so I'm not slacking off. We even went running while we were at Blizzcon.

I did get my new computer on Tuesday. I looked at the specs for the new Macbooks that Apple announced and decided that the older machine fit my needs (and my budget) better so I picked one up at the bookstore. Yay for student discounts! I've been really happy with it so far - the spaces thing is wonderful - and it's so quiet! Granted, part of that is because my other one was so loud, but it's still a nice change. I got the black one, so it's shiny and awesome and the evil twin of my little sister's Macbook.

I didn't know until Mom told me, but my little sister listed me as her inspiration in a mini-interview thing about her Gold Award project. It's kind of hard to put into words how much that's meant to me this week, but it really did touch me. There's a lot in life I've screwed up (I can think of some huge examples that impacted my family in ways I never, ever want to repeat and have worked very hard for a long time to make up for) and so to be valued and meaningful in something like that was incredibly touching.

Enough rambling. It's late enough on a Friday afternoon that I think I can go home, so I should start the walk to the car so that I can get home at a reasonable time to run and get dinner and take care of those three or four things around the house before I get to relax for the evening. Isn't my life exciting?